When doing
ANY kind of outdoor project in
NEWFOUNDLAND, there are four
“Universal Rules" to remember:
1) It is either
RAINING or
WINDY or both, in Newfoundland.
If it is
NOT raining and windy, you will start your project and five minutes in, it will begin to rain and blow. When it finally
IS sunny (which is very rare), it is most often cold and windy.
2) There is no such thing as “
LEVEL” or “
FLAT” in Newfoundland. If you make something level, it will not continue to be level for long. It is an utter impossibility in Newfoundland.
3)
OLD PEOPLE and
BUSY BODIES telepathically suspect suspicious activities are going on in the neighbourhood. There is just no other way to explain them all coming outside for a 45 minute smoke, or to talk on the phone or to linger around their lawns, picking up non-existent scraps of garbage, especially given the fact that it is rainy and windy.
 |
| How in the world did that cigarette last 45 MINUTES??? |
This happens just when you pick up your hammer and have something to do (that they might feel needs to be reported to the proper town authorities---whom they have on speed dial, no less).
Some
OLD PEOPLE or BUSY BODY superhuman abilities include:
a) Having the incredible ability to hear a hammer before it hits the first nail.
b) Sensing the need to call the fire department before the match is even struck.
c) Using the "squinty eye" to determine if you are sketchy...similar to telepathy or x-ray vision.
Do NOT be fooled. Old people have eyesight and hearing like hawks and they are cunning like foxes. How else do they know to all come out at the same time and investigate your goings-on before you've even begun?
4)
RANDOM NEIGHBOURS, whom you've never seen before today,
tend to drop by out of nowhere and offer input. I don't know the names of any of my neighbours and we could go 6 months without a neighbor speaking to us, but when we are on a deadline, we seem to be the most popular people in the neighbourhood. Oftentimes this is a nuisance as the unknown neighbour gives a constant running commentary and is a complete expert on the matter in question.
 |
| Notice the nose growing longer.... |
How so, you ask? Well, it is assumed by the neighbour that I have absaloutely no idea what a chicken is, much less how to take care of one; therefore he/she gives a complete how-to speech on chicken husbandry, none of which is correct.
While I chew my piece of hay and nod politely, I wonder in utter amazement at how this person has managed to live so long, being so stunned.
For instance, this person (who has never rasied a chicken themselves, by the way) was absaloutely adamant that a chicken that lays eggs could not possibly be good for meat as well (therefore the mythical "dual-purpose" Rhode Island Red" chicken indeed, does not exist...)
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| The Fabled "Rhode Island Red" dual purpose Hen. |
...it would also be positively lethal to keep meat and egg chickens together in a coop (perhaps the meat chickens would eat the egg chickens in one gulp? I forgot to ask...)
 |
| Lethal Egg Eating Chicken. |
Let us also not forget a chicken apparently needs a hunky chicken-man to lay eggs. No sir-ee. Chickens are feminists!!! They don't need no Cock-a-doodle-doo!!!
People automatically assume that when you start a project, you have absaloutely no idea what you are doing and have done no research therefore they must:
a) Talk you out of it or
b) Quiz you on what you know about it...even though they have no point of reference for determining if you are right or wrong so they "wing it" (every pun intended) and pretend that they know all about it.
I accept these things gracefully and continue to chew away on my piece of hay.
